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Janet is located in Brisbane and conducts Civil Ceremonies,Weddings,Baby Namings,Renewal
of Vows marriage stages
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| Marriage is something that is not fixed and static, in
fact marriages are constantly changing. Possibly one of the reasons that our
society has such a high divorce rate is that many of the normal changes that
accompany marriage are not recognised by couples who interpret such changes as a
pathology in their relationship.
How common is the statement "he/she is not the person that I married". Indeed it would be a sorry situation if the spouses did not change over time because all of us change somewhat every day of our lives. In marriage these changes are recognised as four distinct stages. When we first meet our spouse we are in what is known as the "togetherness" stage. We experience an intense longing for union with the loved one and spend a lot of our time exchanging confidences and accentuating the similarities that we have. The couple make few demands and tend not to look too critically or realistically at each other and make light of differences. The task at this stage is to lay down a strong foundation of togetherness that will enable them to weather difficulties in the future. The second stage is "recognising differences". During this stage the couple draws slightly away from each other and start to re-establish their boundaries. Differences start to become problematic and one or both partners start to request changes in the behaviour of the other. There is often a sense of anger that the "problem behaviour" is getting in the way of their former joy and ecstasy. Because their history together is relatively short they are insecure about handling conflict and are often uncertain whether their relationship will stand addressing such differences. The ability to resolve conflict and maintain the relationship is a skill that is learnt over time and so the newly married couple can be quite frightened at this stage. The memories from the "togetherness" stage can be useful in withstanding the anxiety of conflict because the couple can look back and recapture the hope of the earlier stage of their relationship. The third stage could be characterised by the phrase "I want to be me". Each partner becomes so away of their own needs for self that they may be caught up in a process of being stubborn and defensive which makes compromise difficult. Issues like career moves, further study become issues that the couple did not have to deal with initially. It sometimes seems that one or both are more interested in themselves than the relationship. Sometimes there is a feeling that the partner does not love the other because there is less exclusive "togetherness". This is where maturity is essential so that the couple can recognise this as a stage and are hopefully able to see the bigger picture of a lifetime commitment. Having experienced the "togetherness", "we are different" and the "I want to be me" stage, the final stage could be termed the "returning to the relationship" stage. The couple are now able to move back towards each other so that the "I" and "we" are beginning to establish a balance. The couple are then in the relationship because they want to be there and not so much "need" to be there. They have found satisfaction in their lives outside the relationship and in the deep and mutually satisfying bond between them. There are no hard and fast rules regarding how long the couple stays in each stage but there is often conflict in the relationship as one partner tries to move on and the other wants to stay where they are. Apart from the relationship progressing in stages this also interacts with other milestones in the couples' life. The first such milestone is the birth of the first child where life as a couple is temporarily put on hold. Instead of the cosy twosome who come and go as they please there is now a third party involved. The relationship now has to accommodate three people and all the energy, resources, and time have to be split three ways. There is a predictable increase in marriage breakdown at this stage with the husband feeling crowded out and the wife feeling she can't cope with all the extra demands of a new infant. Their sex life is put on hold and their new roles are slowly and painfully learnt. It is also known that at this stage issues which arise can be traced back to pre-marital difficulties which the couple were aware of before marriage but chose to ignore. Then the period of adolescence brings about more changes in the marriage. As well as coping with rebellious, hormone ridden teenagers, the couple are often facing problems of their own. Ageing or sick parents to be looked after, the scaling down of lifestyle dreams and health changes associated with their own ageing are all issues to be dealt with. There is also the challenge of the emerging sexuality of their teenage children and the couple may look at the quality of their own sexual relationship. So this stage also produces instability in the marriage leading to another peak in divorce rate. The third milestone is reached when the adult children leave home. Prior to this there has been some stability in traditional roles but once the nest becomes empty the couple are alone again. Unless the couple have paid attention to their relationship over the past 20 years of their marriage, they may be left facing a stranger across the breakfast table. So overall marriage is characterised by changes in the dynamics of the relationship combined with life transitions which makes it a very challenging lifestyle.
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Janet is located in Brisbane and conducts Civil Ceremonies,Weddings,Baby Namings,Renewal of Vows marriage stages Marriage
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