For Better or Worse

by
Janet Iwanow

Marriage is a process which involves adapting to change in both the lives of the individuals and the lives of the couple as they struggle to meet the demands of a maturing marriage. Sometimes couples get discouraged when they realise that their "perfect" match has feet of clay. When the going gets tough they believe that have chosen the wrong partner and they conclude that what they thought was love, was not love. It helps to realise that disillusionment is just a stage past romantic love, and that it's not necessarily the end of the marriage. An understanding of what is happening and some skills to assist this stage allows the couple to work towards a more mature and realistic relationship.

We come to marriage with many expectations of our partner, some of these so deeply buried that we are not conscious of them. These expectations can cause enormous problems as illustrated in the following scenarios.

Paul always encouraged me to go out with the girls after work on Friday, and now he becomes angry when I talk about an evening out with them. Everything was fine until we married, now I'm beginning to have second thoughts.

When people marry, there are some pretty strong expectations regarding the roles they play. Hence, a fiancee or defacto may have fewer restrictions such as evenings out at the clubs, drinks with the girls, flirtatious friends but these may not fit within the guidelines of what your husband considers "proper" for a married woman. What do you expect of one another? Writing it down may help.

Marnie always insisted that we have separate bank accounts. We are expecting our first baby in a months time, and for the first time we are arguing about money. What's going on?

Possibly Marnie has realised that she will no longer be earning money when she is home with the baby. Your previous plans regarding finances may now be a serious threat to her security as you will have the money, and she will not. Renegotiation is needed re finances, and some good old fashioned communication is called for.

My husband has a very likeable personality but the problem is women are always coming on to him. I get so jealous I can hardly bear it. It was alright before marriage, but no now. Maybe I made a mistake marrying him.

It's the old story of the attraction becoming the thing which forces you apart. He hasn't changed from the man you felt so important with - the most attractive man at the party. Do get some personal counselling to help your self-esteem because eventually he will lose respect for you if the jealousy goes unchecked.

Sheila was devastated. She had just discovered that she was pregnant with their first child, and Tom was furious. He said that children were not in the contract and that she had ruined their relationship by falling pregnant.

Amazingly, some people marry without ever having even decided together whether or not they intended to have children. If there is disagreement on this matter it could spell marital disaster. It is important that such an issue be discussed before marriage. In Sheila & Tom's case they went for counselling and the therapist was able to help Tom see that Sheila had enough love for two people and that having a child was something that could bind them closer. Their desire to stay married enabled them to adjust to what life dished out

Nancy complains that Luke has become distant since their marriage. Luke complains that Nancy is stifling him. What is going on?

The problems associated to closeness and distance are related to individual personalities. Luke copes with difficult times in the relationship by becoming more distant; this lessens his feelings of insecurity. Nancy copes with difficult times by working to draw closer. Unless the couple are familiar with the different ways they handle tension they might conclude that they no longer love one another.

When we were living together before John's divorce we used to go away at weekends and really enjoy ourselves. We've now been married six months and now it seems that when I want to go away at weekends or out on a Saturday night, I am "taking him away from his children".

Marriage changes many things; a lot of them are unconscious changes. Prior to marriage your role was play mate, intimate but now with marriage you are "the wife" or "the mother", she who facilitates the interaction between men and children. He now feels he once again has a home where he can be with his children - this doesn't mean that you have to stop living or that you can't reorganise your social life to times when the children are not visiting. Be flexible, and sooner or later his nesting urge will settle. Also be aware that his children came primarily to see him. Give them some time alone.

We are arguing about birthday celebrations. John refuses to make a fuss of me on my special day and all I get is a happy birthday wish. Prior to marriage, I thought he was being cautious, and was waiting until I was his wife to appropriately mark my birthday. Why is he like this?

If you look at your husband's family, you will probably find that birthdays pass without much recognition. All you can do is to express your disappointment and he may change his ways. If that fails, buy yourself an expensive present - it's very hard to change anybody unless they wish to change.

Janet Iwanow Brisbane Civil Wedding Celebrant, Baby Namings, Renewal of Vows, Celtic Weddings